People you meet in Corporate Hell
Monday, July 25th, 2005The first time I was employed, I kept on telling myself that working on a new job would just be like my first day in kindergarten. You know–new faces, awkward glances, the customary "hi"s and "hello"s, the probing questions like, “Anong merienda mo?”
What I unluckily failed to remember was that kindergarten was also a period teeming with bullies, upset tummies, late mommies, and broken crayons. As cheesy as it may sound, my kindergarten years were hell here on earth: being colorblind, I detested my art classes. I distinctly remember that one teacher taught us how secondary colors are formed by making us paint the color equation.
“Blue plus red equals violet,” she recited in the most docile manner. Ten sheets of oslo paper later, I was still struggling to make my red-violets and my violet-reds simply just violet. “Marlon, hindi mo ba nakikita ang difference?” She asked me finally out of desperation, “Paint another one…again.” At which point I cried, yes, then I cheated by not mixing the colors in the equation and instead going for the paint tube that read VIOLET on its label. It was the first and the last time I cheated thus far.
Then one time, in PE class–which was just the pompous name for playing on the playground on Fridays while Teacher gets a breather–I clumsily slid down a rusty slide. Not only did my immaculately white-and-pink ensemble (our elementary school colors) get dirty, but also my so-called pals laughed their heads off at me. “Teacher, Teacher, na-t*e po si Marlon!” they said in reference to the poop-like rust stain on my shorts. In kindergarten, pooping on one’s shorts was anathema and mentioning body parts usually covered by clothing was the ultimate joke. I got so scared to death that (1) I never went down the slide again, (2) I just consoled myself on the swing henceforth, and (3) I actually asked my Mom to take me out of school when finally I did poop my shorts months later.
When I think about it, corporate life is very much the same as kindergarten. The bullies may now be dressed up in suits. The intrigues may now be more than just mere rust stains. The pressure may now be beyond achieving the perfect shade of violet. But the point is, they can be both hellish.
So who makes a yuppie’s life a living nightmare? Please meet the five people in corporate hell:
1. The Buzz-er. Had this person not been in your company, you’re very sure that s/he would be writing a gossip column for a tabloid. S/he is far more effective than any employee’s manual there could ever be for s/he peppers her orientation with the juicy details on who slapped who, who slept with whom, whom to cling to just in case, etc. Of course, expect that s/he would dig up on your personals as well, so that the next time s/he would orient a new employee, s/he has you as the new specimen. S/he loves a chaotic workplace for more chismis are generated in chaos.
2. The Dominator/The Dominatrix. You secretly suspect that s/he has a thing for sadomasochism for s/he simply loves domineering people. S/he may not be the Top Guy or Top Gal, but when it comes to planning and brainstorming, s/he always has the final say. This type has an impenetrable skull; reasoning is futile. S/he wants this done this way, and s/he expects it to be done this way. And you should be wary: s/he can always ask you suddenly to do overtime on a Friday evening just when you’re ready to meet your date–or worse, slap you with an insubordination complaint.
3. The Credit Grabber. Of all the lowlifes the Omnipotent created, s/he occupies the abysses. S/he always has the chutzpah (the plain ol’ kapal ng mukha) to brag on successes that, more often than not, are the group’s achievement. No meeting passes by without him or her referring to his training here, her diploma there, his endeavors here, her glowing records there. But the one thing that really gets on the nerves is the fact that s/he is almost always the first one to cower in fear or blame his/her colleagues when the project didn’t succeed. In the world of the Credit Grabber, s/he is the only one without mistakes. All the rest are mortal sinners.
4. The Sloth. Everyplace has The Sloth, I guess. S/he reports to work a millisecond before the official time. After logging in, s/he would most likely spend the next 30 minutes to an hour munching on snacks, fixing himself/herself, reading the newspaper, greeting everyone in the office, calling up people, texting…the list goes on. The next hour would be spent in checking and sending the e-mails, surfing the Net, talking to people, and inquiring on all personal matters through the company phone. Thirty minutes before break time, s/he is already preparing to go. At around 4PM, just when everyone else is ready to call it a day, s/he would notice what’s left to be done and would cram. Unfortunately, you’re obliged to cram with him/her.
5. The Ho-hum. While most people seem adversarial, s/he apparently exudes a positive vibe. That is, up until you get to talk to him/her. Immediately after striking a conversation with the Ho-hum, you get the sense that the Makati traffic jam is much more exciting. S/he doesn’t generally know how to talk in polysyllables, but when s/he does, the weather or the color of paperclips is the topic of choice. You try bringing up other “normal” topics: your crush, your favorite restaurant, the game you watched the night before, the sex video you saved in your mobile, but there’s a distinct danger that s/he would go over the edge and start talking about statistics, figures, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. S/he is also called The Wuss.
So there, the five people in corporate hell. I know there are more, but most are but permutations and combinations of these five. But you know what would be hell-er than hell? When you get all five people in just one person. Sometimes, this composite character goes by the title The Boss.
